"What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet." Shakespeare had it right about a lot of things, if cats were called dogs and dogs cats or even... and with cantaloupe we wouldn't know the difference. Naming people however... well names matter. Take for example the name Edward Cocaine. There aren't many versions of that childhood that would result in a well balanced adult. And in fact, these kinds of crazy names sometimes lead to ironic crimes committed by the individuals in question.
Beyond the fact that the people with these hilariously bad names endured them, they also seemed to inadvertently make them their mission statements. How else do you explain Conor P. Fudge working at a Cold Stone and his subsequent ice cream thievery? Or Daniel Noody exposing himself? These ironically named criminals were arrested and charged (or at very least accused) of some awful, but oddly appropriate, crimes.
These are the best no-way-that's-his-name-and-he-did-THAT criminal names of all time. Vote up the most ironic criminal names below!
Real Criminals Who Happen to Have the Most Ironic Names Ever,
Patrick Molesti
Accused of: Trying to purchase children online.
This is the kind of name where on your 18th birthday you go down to the courthouse and change it. Your parents will understand and any future children will thank you. Oh, and don't try to purchase (and presumably molest) five-year-old boys.
Source: True Crime Report
Bud Weisser
Accused of: Burglary and theft, trespassing and resisting arrest.
Arrested in 2014 at just 18 years old, he was able to be charged as an adult but not to legally enjoy a nice cold Budweiser. And just to get in some more crime before become legal, Bud was arrested again in 2015 - this time for trespassing and resisting arrest while breaking into a secure area in the Budweiser brewery. Obviously.
Sources: NY Daily News, CBS St. Louis
Crystal Metheney
Arrested for: Shooting a missile into an occupied car. Record also contains a long list of drug possession charges.
First of all... it's amazing how two ordinarily innocuous names when COMBINED equal crystal meth (much like how cooking homemade crystal meth is often done with normally innocuous day to day items). Beyond that, where did she get a missile launcher!? Does this happen normally? Are we only hearing about it because Crystal Meth here did it?
Source: Huffington Post
Donald Duck
Charged with: Various DUI charges, possession of marijuana, and drug paraphernalia charges.
Donald really took it hard when Disney started focusing all their attention on those Avengers movies. He hasn't been the same since.
Source: Examiner
Mister Love
Accused of: Unlawful sexual contact with a minor.
There is no way this guy gets away with anything. Even without actually being a sex offender, with a name like that you would no doubt be accused of it. Why further brand yourself?!
Source: Huffington Post
Leonard Dickman
Charged with: Public indecency.
This one just isn't hard enough. There's no dicking around here. This guy saw a chance and rose to the occasion.
Source: Democratic Underground
Jackmeoff Mudd
Charged with: Assault, disorderly conduct, resisting an officer, possession of alcohol on the beach, and violating open container laws.
Last name, Mudd. First name Jackmeoff. Sounds like a second grader trying to be funny and make up a dirty name, right? Nope. This guy had to live as Jackmeoff. No wonder he snapped.
Source: Huffington Post
Beezow Doo-Doo Zopittybop-Bop-Bop
Charged with: Marijuana possession, drug paraphernalia, and carrying a concealed weapon.
With a name like that, Marijuana possession would be the least of one's worries. The guy spits infinite wisdom... such as explaining where his name came from:
BEEZOW: The explosion of awareness of the interconnectedness of the infinite love in the universe.
DOO-DOO: The struggle of our daily lives with that awareness, that with love comes chaos.
ZOPITTYBOP-BOP-BOP: The outcome of that struggle, which is often ironic, especially because all life ends in death.
Source: Yahoo News
Hakeem High
Accused of: Possession of marijuana with intent to distribute, and possession within 1,000 feet of a school and within 500 feet of public housing.
Hakem High, a 25-year-old Hoboken, NJ resident, was arrested on August 29, 2016 on various marijuana-related charges. He was also charged with aggravated assault and trespassing on public housing property. Hoboken police spokesperson Sgt. Eduardo Cruz had little to say on the incident other than, "Ironic." High apparently gave someone a black eye, and was arrested with 16 small bags of weed.
This wasn't High's first run in with the law. He was arrested in 2013, along with seven other people, after a violent fracas involving a handgun, and just a week previous to the weed bust, after shoving a police officer.
Joseph Moron
Charged with: Stalking, kidnapping, assault, and battery.
Those are some hefty charges, this guy's probably locked up pretty tight, right? Nope, he got away. Joseph Moron got away. The Aurora Police Department lost a moron.
Source: Colorado 9 News